Recovered or Lifer?

Are we ever really recovered? I have been labeling myself a recovered self-harmer for some time now. I use to self-harm for more than 10 years and have not self-harmed for about 5 years. A therapist would say that I have recovered from my self-destructive urges. However, does anyone actually recover from self-mutilation?

You have not done the act of physical self-harm but the urges never go away. They can still be triggered by vivid descriptions of the act or the images that people post up on their social media sites. To see an image of mutilated fresh can make even the strongest of individuals powerless or uneasy. The sight alone can bring back an enormous amount of memories of self-destruction. You fight against it and win the internal battle.

We are not recovered. We are lifers. We struggle day in and day out to stay away from self-harm. This truly is an addiction. A person that was addicted to alcohol can not say I was an alcoholic. They are forever deemed as an alcoholic even when recovered.

Big Secret (Journal Entry)

There are so many cases regarding people finding out about cutters. For whatever reason they will see that cut but, I really want to know is it possible that maybe we want people to find out? Somewhere along the cutting spree do we mess up on purpose? Is this our way of asking for help?

I must ask myself did I want to keep my secret forever? Does any of us want to keep that secret or do we secretly wish for someone to see that cut, that one cut that will let us know that help is on the way.

Did I want people to find out about my cutting? Is it possible that I did mess up on purpose and that I wore cuts on certain places to have someone figure out my secret? Was that day that I put myself in the hospital an accident or a semi sub-conscious way of seeking help? Did I secretly want to stop cutting? If yes why after all is revealed was I still cutting myself?

Somewhere along the line I feel that maybe we do mess up on purpose and that we are forced to do something drastic in order to seek help. We are forced to go to the extreme simply because no one noticed how fucked up we are.

Rubber Band

Rubber Band

As I was looking through other writers blogs and reading different people’s work I came across this one post. This post asked if anyone had ever tried self-harming and that they tried it for the first time. I commented and wanted to warn this person of all its addictive powers. I said that they should stay away from it and stop before it’s too late. It almost came off like I was pleading.

I recall my own therapist telling me about things that can help you transition. I am sure many of you have heard of snapping a rubber band against your wrist when you have an urge to cut. This was my suggestion to the person who put up the post.

I then began thinking and asked myself if this really is a transition? I remember trying it for about a week but then returned to cutting. I never gave it a good try. My point to this is you are replacing self-harm with another form of self-harm. How effective is that?

Tribute to self-mutilators

In a moment of panic, sadness and pure rage we’re expected to create a masterpiece. We’re expected to do so much. We expect so much from ourselves and expect much more from others. We expect them to do what we can’t, give what we can’t, be what we can’t be… sane.

What makes them sane and us not?

They cry and feel sadness,

we cry and feel shame.

They laugh and feel joy,

we laugh because of pain.

They go through life one day at a time

we go through life one cut at a time.

They are the one’s who see the glass half full,

We are the one’s who see it half empty.

They see what’s right with the world,

We see what’s wrong with it.

No matter how they put it the glass is not full.

And you know what,

when somethings wrong

they shed tears,

and we shed blood.

Is that what makes them sane and us not?

No that is what makes them weak.

 

Bloodletting

Bloodletting… that is what we were doing all along. All of us labeled a self-harmer , self-mutilator, and cutter. We were all just bloodletting. We were curing ourselves.

Bloodletting- 

  1. the withdrawal of often small quantities of blood from a  patient to cure or prevent illness and disease.
  2. outmoded medical practice used as a cure for illness ranging from fevers to hysteria.

This form of treatment was used by the Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans. They believed this method to be very successful. They were trying to get rid of the issue that was trapped within themselves. “Primitive man looked on disease as a curse cast on him by an evil spirit; his treatment consisted of driving out the demon that possessed him”

Were the “self-harmers” not doing the same thing? Were we not trying to drive out the evil spirit or darkness that possessed our souls?

More Bloodletting history:

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/redgold/basics/bloodlettinghistory.html