My Relapse (Journal Entry)

Just when I thought I had this whole cutting situation under control depression comes back to bite me in the ass. He doesn’t come alone, he brings the heart and soul of my pain… Self-mutilation. I sit here writing and wear 9 new cuts on my arm left arm. Though only 3 are deep and may leave a constant reminder. All 9 will forever be burned into my memory.

The strangest thing about all this is that the biggest secret in my life was this. These cuts, these scars, this pain and this fear. But, this time it’s different. It’s not this huge secret anymore. People know and though this frightens me so it’s for the best. Simply because these people care and they are very dear to me.

I need more than anything to beat this sickness. This reoccurring depression that haunts me has followed me for years. The problem is it becomes a part of you and in some strange way I fear losing the writer in me. For I believe the two are intertwined, the writer and the self-mutilator are one.

To have so many people care for me scares me. I never felt that before and I never want to go back to that alone feeling again. So disappointing these people is not an option. These dear people I want to keep very close to my heart.

A Sad but Expected Farewell (Journal Entry)

You were always there for me. Your job was to bring me back to reality and indeed you did. I feared for this day but it has come, the day when you can no longer fix me or cure my insanity. You can no longer help me pretend things are fine. I’ve finally realized that nothing is permanent.

In my life, nothing ever comes to stay for good. I would expect for things to leave when I was good and ready. I should be able to push the “unwanted” out of my life but, I don’t get that privilege.

No one seems to understand how much this pain’s me, how I hate having something I’ve grown attached to ripped from my fingers. I’ve grown to need you, I need you like the air I breathe into my lungs. I need you in order to survive the day and without you life will become impossible to bear.

I don’t understand how am I suppose to get through hard times without you. What am I suppose to do when I feel as if I can’t go on? You were the one who used to free me from these horrible feelings. I truly don’t know how will I survive without you. But I guess I’m forced to try.

I’ve always known that this day would come but, I feel that it has come to soon for I am not ready to let go.