Why Cut? (Journal Entry)

I have read several books on people who cut themselves and every single one of them can’t seem to find the answer to that one question. Why Cut? Why choose to take a blade against your skin? Out of all the possible things you could choose to do to yourself why choose this?

They all have given a shot on trying to explain it, including myself. I honestly don’t know why I chose cutting as my outlet. I don’t know why that thought entered my mind at that moment; I don’t even know where I even heard of people doing that to themselves.

What I can tell you is that for some people (the ones from the books I’ve read) it just seemed to happen one day. Susanna Kaysen explained that she one day became a “wrist banger” and others like Callie just came home after losing a sporting event and just cut herself. That idea came from nowhere. She wasn’t even thinking. She was just acting upon certain feelings. As for Caroline Kettlewell she stated, “the idea and urge to cut seemed to arise from my very skin itself.” No one can seem to explain why or how that thought came about.

For most people it just seems to dissipate after a while. Dissolve almost; it leaves just as mysteriously as it came. In my case it no longer worked, it’s as simple as that. Cutting no longer removed the hurt. It stopped making me feel better.

I feel as if I am left with nothing, that I have no other choice. What is there left to do when cutting no longer works? You would think that something as drastic as cutting ones flesh would be enough but, surprisingly it was not. What is worse than taking a razor blade and opening  your own flesh and allowing your blood to run free while getting satisfaction out of that. Who can possibly think of something worse.